The Power of Relational Connection to Combat Shame in Boys and Men

I recently read two books about boyhood and masculinity. The books I dove into were Deep Secrets by Niobe Way and How to Raise a Boy by Michael Reichert.

In Deep Secrets, Niobe Way begins to explore the “hidden landscape” of boys’ friendships. Way’s friendship studies reveal a deep, underlying desire in boys for intimate male friendships, friendships that involve shared secrets and feelings. However, as these boys grow up and become men, they tend to distance themselves from intimacy and from the friendships they cared so much for in their boyhood. Way thinks that this is not just the “way men are,” but is a dominant, flawed definition of manhood that dictates to men how they are supposed to be. These stereotypes are “naturalized” when people believe the lie that men are supposed to shy away from deep connections and friendships. Way wants to expose these stereotypes for what they really are: hyper-masculinity that precludes deep emotional and relational capacities.

How to Raise a Boy identifies harmful hyper-masculinity as well. He calls it the “Darwinian masculine code” that corrodes the human development, virtue, and well-being of men and boys. According to Reichert, men who adhere to this code find themselves isolated, depressed, and even suicidal. In addition to isolation and depression, "man code men" have negative and even violent attitudes towards women and gay men, engage in substance abuse, have low self-esteem, anxiety, hostility and aggression, and higher blood pressure levels. Clearly, the masculine code is not doing any favors for the men who adhere to it or for the loved ones in those men's lives. As an antidote, Reichert emphasizes the need for connection to heal the harm emotional suppression causes on boys’ and men’s development and well-being.

Way’s and Reichert’s works have much in common and bring many important issues to light, particularly the need for connection to act as a salve to the wounds inflicted by masculine codes that do not help men to adjust the challenges of their lives. Instead these masculine codes often disconnect them from the very people who would strengthen them and grow them into mature, well-adjusted men.

Reichert identifies shame as a core issue. He asserts that shame “must be resolved, or else it dominates a boy’s relationships – with himself as well as [with] others” and that the way shame is resolved is typically through being known and accepted.

In my practice as a high school ministry director, a treatment specialist at a group home for at-risk boys, and in working with men experiencing homelessness in Portland, OR, I have continued to see how shame underlies so much of men's self-image. It then, as a result, guides their decisions.

How might the practice of confession in the Christian tradition help to mitigate and resolve the shame so many men feel. Many Protestants may scoff at the Catholic tradition of confession, but 1 John 1 ties confession to forgiveness and to fellowship with God and other believers. Perhaps, a regular practice of confession would help to alleviate shame in men and provide a doorway to more genuine connection.

In Too Hot to Handle, yet another new reality TV show on Netflix, a group of sex-crazed twenty-somethings are invited to an island for a month of partying, but find out instead that they will need to abstain from sex and focus on deeper connections with themselves and each other. A turning point for many of the men in the show comes when they confess to one another their deepest struggles and histories of brokenness. As they embrace one another, it becomes clear that healing has happened in these moments and they are stronger for it, not weaker. Perhaps, confession and connection can lead to a healthier manhood and a weakening of the structures that have held men's true selves in captivity for too long.