Lifestyles and Experiences in Spiritually Abusive Groups

This is the sixth segment in a ten-part series on spiritual abuse. The fifth segment explored the dynamics of elitism and persecution in abusive groups, including 9 forms of "spiritual elitism" offered by counselor Christine Hammond. In another article, I explored the connections between white supremacy and spiritual abuse, especially in theology that authorizes the dehumanization and subjugation of others based on race.

In this article, we will explore the common theme of rigidity in spiritually abusive groups and how expressions of diversity and individuality tend to be stomped out in favor of conformity.

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In his discussion of "lifestyle and experience" in abusive churches, sociologist Ronald Enroth draws attention to the sense of rigidity that often permeates churches that abuse. Interestingly, cult experts like Steven Hassan, recognize that people are often recruited into abusive groups when they are in a major life transition or experiencing a shock, setback, or loss. The combination of a person's uncertainty and loss of confidence during a difficult time in their life with the recruitment by a group that is highly controlling and offers "definite" answers to life's most complex questions and problems can lead to quick and enduring commitments of membership.

For example, Hassan tells one story of a young man whose brother died and was soon after recruited into a cult. Psychotherapist Daniel Shaw was recruited into an eastern yoga cult when he was struggling with his career. NXIVM (pronounced "nex-ee-um") "sex cult" survivor Sarah Edmondson was drawn by the cult's appearance of success and health. In each case, the abusive group promised to lift the recruit from their difficult situation into success, health, and even Utopian euphoria.

The lifestyles of those in abusive groups tend toward rigidity and control. For many who join such groups, the handing over of autonomy and control happens gradually through "thought reform." The members are trained over time to give control, ultimately, over to a central narcissistic leader. Many of these groups have explicit ways of disrupting the member's previous beliefs and lifestyle. This is akin to the "unfreezing" step in Hassan's understanding of gaining control over the followers. Hassan conceptualizes this "conversion" as a form of a dissociative disorder. The person who is being integrated into the abusive group is split off from their primary identity to form a new identity within the cult.

Some cults like the Moonies had concrete steps in which recruits were required to physically destroy elements of their old life. For instance, Hassan was forced to destroy all the poetry he had written earlier in his life. Other groups might take a more gradual or subtle approach by simply criticizing and mocking elements of the recruit's life that are deemed unworthy of the abusive group. Either way, the effect is similar: the member's life begins to resemble, more and more, the group and its ways of thinking and behaving.

Edmondson, a survivor of the new age, "personal development" cult NXIVM, remarked how anyone who stood out seemed to be "stomped" into conformity by the group. A woman with brightly dyed, colorful hair, for instance, was humiliated and discouraged from expressing herself, and, over time, "shrank" to fit in with the group.

Counselor and former Christian cult member Rich Damiani describes the process of conformity in abusive groups as a "surrender of soul liberty." Spiritual abuse leads to a life stripped of freedom. In many cases, this does not mean literal slavery, though that does happen in some abusive groups. Instead, this suppression and subjugation happens over time and can lead to the feeling of being "trapped," manipulated, and controlled.

In Christian terms, Damiani described this as a denial of the role of the Holy Spirit. Christians believe that the Holy Spirit is responsible for guiding and directing people. In the Christian cult Damiani belonged to, members instead submitted their lives to the scrutiny and judgment of the church's leaders. In other words, the "voice of conscience" is squashed in abusive groups. Life is to be lived based on the group's demands and prerogatives not in accordance with the members' own sense of God's voice and leading in their lives.

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A theme of this series has been to compare the claims and promises made by abusive groups with the actual experiences of the members. Groups often claim that suffering within the group is not due to the group's abusive practices, but instead due to some wrongdoing or sin by the members. The demand, again and again, is to double-down and re-commit oneself to the methods of the group. Some, after going through this cycle repeatedly come to realize that it is the group and its leaders who are hurting them and making their lives miserable. Others, however, continue to be gaslighted and fooled by the group and its leaders and get stuck in a continuous cycle that leads to more devastation and higher costs to their health and well-being.

Counselor Gerald Ford (not the former president) advocates for using a list of questions to gauge spiritual abuse in a relationship. These same questions can be applied to one's relationship with an abusive group:

• Is this person's interaction with me based on shame, intimidation, and/or fear? How do they try to influence me? How do they try to change my mind?

• Is this person telling me what my motive is? Are they ascribing some 'intent' to me, as though they could read my mind?

• Is this person taking away my choices? Do they think they can make decisions for me?

• Does their discussion of the Bible (or other sacred text) start with their conclusion, allowing for no background research or dialog about differing interpretations?

• Does this person use my strengths (or weaknesses) against me?

• Is the presenting issue actually about power and control?

Ford ends with a central question. "How is your spirit doing since being in relationship with this person? If your spirit is not as healthy as it was before, or if you are exhausted, drained, and feeling far from God, then take a very honest look at the relationship and seek help."

Spiritually abusive groups often promise experiences and lifestyles of success and growth, but those aspects of life do not materialize for members. Instead, they find themselves feeling burnt out, used, guilt-laden, and their self-confidence crushed. At my previous church, I observed a pattern of young, gifted individuals who were sucked into the church's grand vision. Over time, I watched those same young folks get drained of their gifts, passions, and zest for life in a spiritual group that continued to ask more and more of them and gave little in return.

A few years after joining the church, several people who had joined as excited, hard-working, and passionate individuals, found themselves completely burnt out and cynical. I believe these dynamics were a direct result of a spiritually abusive atmosphere governed by a core narcissistic leader who had no accountability and routinely undercut church members' self-confidence and skills because of his own insecurities and self-aggrandizement. These dynamics can crush "soul liberty" or the feeling of freedom to be one's self and embrace one's unique calling and gifting in the world.

The pattern of abusive groups is to kill individuality and diversity and nurture conformity and group-thought. Typically, these patterns are in service to a core narcissist who dictates the group's rules, appropriate belief system, and even diet, dress code, dating relationships, and living arrangements. Though the physical appearance of abusive groups may range from the orange jumpsuit uniforms of the Rajneeshees to the business-casual "success" attire of NXIVM recruiters, the spirit of rigidity and control in abusive groups remains consistent.

As I have written elsewhere in this series, groups typically don't present themselves as soul-killing and diversity-squashing. That would be terrible PR! Instead, groups promote themselves as vibrant, successful, and growing and tend to attract people who are gifted and successful themselves.

The group finds and leverages a vulnerability, like a lull in a career, a loss of a relationship or loved one, or a lack of connection or sense of purpose. These groups respond to the vulnerability, claiming to have the answer or remedy to people's questions or problems, while exploiting their members of their time, money, efforts, and lives. Those who question or "rebel" against the inequitable nature of the group typically face discipline for breaking the rules. We will explore aspects of dissent and discipline in the next segment of the spiritual abuse series.

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Series Directory:

1) Introduction

2) The Nature of Spiritual Abuse

3) Power & Authority

4) Manipulation & Control

5) Elitism & Persecution

6) Lifestyles & Experiences

7) Dissent & Discipline

8) Exit & Adjustment (forthcoming)

9) What Now? Healing from Spiritual Abuse (forthcoming)

10) How to Deal with a Spiritual Abuser (forthcoming)