Dissent and Discipline in Spiritually Abusive Groups

Amazingly, it has been over a year since my previous post in this series on spiritual abuse. Life as a new dad, a recently graduated seminarian (I graduated from Princeton Seminary with my MDiv in May 2021!), and now youth minister has kept me very busy! However, I have routinely thought about this series with an intention to return to it and finish the work I started.

Since I last wrote about spiritual abuse, it seems like the public coverage and understanding of spiritual abuse has grown. One example is the recent podcast series called "The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill" released by Christianity Today about the implosion of the Seattle-based megachurch. Much of the show focuses on the charismatic narcissist, Mark Driscoll, who was at the helm for years. The first episode is titled "Who Killed Mars Hill?" and features a bright red casket as its cover image. The metaphor of death is fitting when talking about spiritual abuse because such organizations often cause great grief and have the effect of killing people's faith and trust in others, especially in religious settings.

The concepts of Dissent and Discipline, a phrase borrowed from Ron Enroth's book Churches that Abuse, are important in understanding the workings of spiritually abusive groups. The punishment that awaits those who dare to challenge the abusive group's teachings and practices is often fierce, though it can take many forms. Before we dive into the types of "discipline" spiritually abusive groups visit on their members, let's explore what dissent can look like.

Dissent

A simple definition of dissent is when one party disagrees with another. However, dissent also typically involves a minority party disagreeing with or departing from the majority view. Ironically, spiritually abusive groups often identify as the minority in the larger culture or within their greater faith tradition, but are intolerant of dissension within their own group. This is oftentimes inspired by the narcissistic/controlling personality at the center of the group, or enforced through a group of teachings inspired by or created by a controlling personality. In some cases, these groups may present themselves as creating liberating, flourishing spaces, but once inside the group, members are pressured to conform. All of the promises of the group, which are often left unfulfilled, come at a great cost to those who gain membership. Spiritually abusive groups are, by definition, harmful to their members, but those who, from the inside, begin to question and deviate from the group's teachings and practices, typically experience even more harm as the group attempts to coerce them into conforming to the group.

Discipline

OK, so a preliminary question might be - what's the difference between an abusive group's "discipline" and the normal and healthy type of discipline involved with belonging to any group? As we've discussed elsewhere in this series, one of the tactics of abusive groups is that they love-bomb people into membership and then slowly turn the heat up as members get more involved. In more developed groups, there are handbooks written for the onboarding process - ways in which the group takes more and more control and ensures successful converts. However, there are also disciplines involved with membership in any group - so what is the difference between healthy expectations for belonging and unhealthy and intrusive discipline? To answer that question, let's look at some examples and characteristics of healthy and unhealthy disciplines.

Healthy Discipline

An example of some healthy disciplines might be running regularly as part of a track team, keeping up with the readings in your book club, or an expectation that, as a Christian, you will regularly engage in prayer, acts of service to others, and fellowship with other believers. All groups say in some way, "if you are a part of us, you should look/act/be like us in some way." This is normal and healthy in most cases. In fact, it's the reason we seek belonging to a group in the first place - the traits or behaviors of a group appeal to us, they fulfill a longing we have in some way. We're part of the track team, because we want to be healthy and active. We join a book club to make friends, to stimulate our minds with new ideas and conversations. We become a Christian because we have been moved in some way by the story of Jesus and we seek to follow him. People join spiritually abusive groups for similar reasons - there is something attractive about the group, especially as members promote the group, and we're drawn in by the promises and appeal of the group. However, once inside the group, the honeymoon period soon draws to a close and we realize that what looked so exciting and interesting from the outside was a façade. Instead of patterns and disciplines that challenge and grow us, we find ourselves eroded by the patterns of abuse in the group. These patterns of abuse are what we are referring to here as "unhealthy disciplines."

Unhealthy/Abusive Discipline

Unhealthy discipline is typically characterized by the following traits:

1) Unhealthy discipline is arbitrary.

Most types of discipline make sense in a group. Joining the basketball team? Practice is 3 times a week, and your coach expects you to exercise outside of team practices to stay in shape. Getting your Master's degree? You'll need to read books, write papers, and pass tests. When you join an abusive group, however, the disciplines and commitments associated with the group only sometimes make sense, and usually only make a kind of internal sense. That is, the rules make sense to those who belong to the group, but are often unintelligible to those outside the group. This is because the discipline associated with abusive groups often is at the whims of the leaders of the group. Their own sense of reality dictates how the rest of the group should behave.

One church I know of decried personal hobbies and free time. One member was talking about playing video games on his day off and the associate pastor scolded him in front of several of his peers, saying "You need to stop that!" A harmless activity, spending your free time doing something you enjoy, was shamed. It wasn't totally clear why the pastor scolded him, (perhaps he thought video games were a waste of time or something) but his actions took autonomy away from the group member and effectively made himself the one in charge. Because many of those who go to churches look to the pastors for guidance and support, when those leaders are intrusive and make inappropriate demands, some have an inclination to listen to them, trusting them as they would a parent. Abusive leaders leverage these inclinations arbitrarily, sometimes to serve their own interests, other times to just enforce their will.

2) Unhealthy discipline is unpredictable.

This may sound similar to arbitrariness, but it's distinct. A rule or discipline in healthy groups is typically predictable. This predictability is stable and allows for everyone to be on the same page with the expectations of a group. Examples: Book club meets on Tuesday mornings; basketball practice is on Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays. In abusive groups, however, the expectations are unpredictable. The leader may make urgent demands on members, requiring them to show up to meetings now or to take off work unexpectedly to meet the needs of the group. In more extreme groups, leaders may randomly restrict meals, sleep, water, or other basic necessities. This is about control - the members do not agree or consent to these disciplines ahead of time, but are thrust into them without warning. When members push back against teachings of a group, they may find themselves thrust into random and unpredictable disciplines targeted at bringing the member back under the authority of the group. These disciplines communicate that the leader is in charge, not the member.

3) Unhealthy discipline serves the leader at the expense of the follower

Most disciplines we take on in our lives serve us in some way - we might commit to waking up every day at 6am so that we can get a workout in before we start work or we may commit to read a book a month so that we can sharpen our minds. While these disciplines may benefit others too, they also help us become the types of people we want to be. Part of being in healthy relationships in general is to have a balanced exchange. When one party gains much more from an arrangement than the other, it can easily become a coercive relationship. In abusive groups, it becomes clear over time that the demands of the group do not ultimately serve the rank-and-file members.

In the new age group NXIVM (pronounced "nexium"), members were coaxed over time to submit to the group's leadership. All of this was done under the pretense of self-improvement and self-development, but it culminated for some members in the branding of their skin with the leaders' initials. What looked like on the surface like a group that brought many benefits to its members was actually all a scheme to bring them under the control of the leaders.

4) Unhealthy discipline is extreme

Like the NXIVM example just cited, unhealthy disciplines can be extreme! If a discipline deviates from what is normal for people to do, then it should be questioned. If a group demands more than most other groups do, there should be clear and intelligible reasons why with full ongoing consent from members. However, groups tend to get more extreme over time, which circumvents a member's ability to question or say no to the demands. The NXIVM branding didn't happen on day one of the members joining the group; instead, it happened months or years into members' involvement in the group.

In other groups, an extreme discipline may look like the need for members to cancel plans or set the highest priority for group activities at the expense of all other commitments in their lives. Groups may require or pressure members to move into a communal house or to take time off of work to serve the group or require odd hours of commitment. In any case, the demands tend to get more extreme over time. This is, again, ultimately about control. As the group makes more extreme demands, they also gain more control over members' lives, which means they gain access to money, time, and resources of the members.

5) Unhealthy discipline can be subtle or obvious

This final trait illustrates that unhealthy disciplines can be apparent to others or can slip past the radar. Sometimes, friends and family of a group member might not immediately see how the disciplines of a group are unhealthy for their loved one. The members themselves may not detect the unhealthy discipline either. Often at the beginning of a person's time in an abusive group, the group intends to be subtle in their efforts to begin to bring others under their control.

Some have shared with me how at first the disciplines of the group were not really noticeable. Maybe the leader made passive aggressive comments at the expense of members or made odd but not extreme requests. Over time, though, these behaviors tend to grow more obvious - the leader becomes openly aggressive and controlling after months of passive aggression or the odd requests become extreme demands. It is sometimes only in hindsight that members of abusive groups are able to recognize the subtle ways that the group they belonged to took autonomy away and began to control them.

What do I do if I have suffered under unhealthy disciplines?

If you've been following along with this series, it's likely that you or someone you love experienced abuse in a spiritual group of some kind. You may have just recently left and feel yourself still reeling from your experiences, or maybe you've been out for some time and you're still piecing your life back together and seeking understanding for what happened to you. After I left my abusive church, it took me several months to regain a sense of normalcy and trust. Here's some advice that I give to those who are exiting abusive groups and begin to exercise control over their lives again.

1) It's ok to take it slow.

Sometimes, the desires that drew us to the group - to find a sense of meaning, to improve ourselves, to serve God - are absolutely still present after we've left a group. We may feel like we need to jump right into another church or group or exercise right away. It's ok to resist this impulse, to take it slow and to slowly test the waters with a new church or group. It's also ok to take an extended period of just taking care of ourselves and building up our health and trust again. Don't feel pressured to rush into anything new. It's ok to be exactly where you are and to piece things back together at your own pace.

2) Seek out those who have proven their trustworthiness over the long haul.

Abusive groups tend to crush healthy relationships. They may create discord between friends, parents and their children, etc. in order to isolate and control people. As you reflect and clear your mind, those relationships you lost or were harmed during your time in the group may come to your mind. It may be a good idea to seek reconnection and to even share what you experienced with those people if they are open to it. Keep in mind that those we were isolated from may have their own process of forgiveness and healing to work through and that we may need to be patient and gentle with them as well if we hope to restore the relationship.

3) Set some personal goals and expectations. Be gentle with yourself!

It can feel really good to start to come back to what we want for our own lives. We may have given so much to the group that we lost ourselves and our own sense of direction over time. Once we're out of the group, we may not even know where to start in making decisions and forming our lives.

Simply setting aside some time to ask the question, "What do I want out of life?" can be tremendously helpful. It may also be helpful to do this with a trusted counselor or friend who we can bounce ideas off of. It's important that this person does not attempt to control your decisions and that you trust this person. Given the sorts of abuse and coercion folks go through in abusive groups, it takes time to reestablish trust in ourselves and our own sense of things. Finding safe spaces to do this is important!

4) Seek out a safe space to process.

For those who have experienced abuse in controlling groups, it's important to be able to process through the memories and experiences that brought so much distress. This can be a discussion group, a counselor, a spiritual director, a friend, etc. This processing takes time and is not perfectly straightforward. There's a type of grieving that takes place as you grasp what you've lost (time, money, resources, friendships, etc.) and this shouldn't be rushed.

One word of advice here: there is sometimes a thin line between processing and perseverating. We can find ourselves spinning in circles with the ways we've been wronged or thinking about what we lost. Try to find the sweet spot of being able to talk about things that happened and processing through them, and then gently setting those things aside to live the life that is in front of you now. The tragedy that can befall those who have survived abusive groups is that the group can continue to take days, weeks, months, even years away from ex-members long after the initial experiences have occurred. That's because our experiences can live on in traumatic memories that revisit us, but the truth is that we are not, at our core, the abusive experiences we've lived through. There is so much more to us than how we've been wronged by the abusive group.

Try to find simple joys - a favorite coffee drink, a new novel, a walk on a sunny day, connection time with a friend.

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I hope this entry was helpful to you. Feel free to message or comment with any questions or areas that didn't make sense to you. Next time, we'll spend even more time talking about the process of exit and adjustment from spiritually abusive groups. In the meantime, please know that there is a life and future outside of the abusive group, and that there are those who are on the journey with you!

Series Directory:

1) Introduction

2) The Nature of Spiritual Abuse

3) Power & Authority

4) Manipulation & Control

5) Elitism & Persecution

6) Lifestyles & Experiences

7) Dissent & Discipline

8) Exit & Adjustment (forthcoming)

9) What Now? Healing from Spiritual Abuse (forthcoming)

10) How to Deal with a Spiritual Abuser (forthcoming)